Expat Life in Montenegro Day 816: My Ongoing Divorce Realization

Been posting more on my personal IG account, hope you guys can follow (@kach.howe). I’m still debating if I have to change my username since my divorce is still ongoing and sadly, a very long process of annulment in the Philippines (not sure if this is still the case, have to check at the Phil Embassy), which would make it harder for me to change again to my maiden name with my legal documents.

I wanna share few things that this unexpected end of my marriage (8-year relationship) has taught me (or made me realize) in the last few months. I hope that some of you would learn or maybe would agree/disagree with me. Comment below!

1. Make sure to ALWAYS be financially independent. I’ve been working most of my life even at 7 years old so I could have my own allowance that would give me the freedom to buy whatever things I wanted and whenever I want.

2. Have your own savings. Separate your source of income from your spouse and just have a mutual bank account that would pay the shared bills. Your business is yours, his business is his. I’ve learned this the hard way of not having my own bank account for the last 7 years and only put my hard-earned income in my ex’s name.

3. For future relationships, don’t forget to set boundaries. Always know what you can accept or not. If there are red flags or this person always triggers you, just walk away immediately. You’ll always go back to the old cycle, stay aware, and better focus on self-love.

4. Don’t think that ending a marriage, you’re a failure. It’s not and stop thinking that you’re a victim. I’ve been feeling like that and been blaming myself but it’s not only me, It happens all the time.

5. Stop making sad stories - whatever your mind thinks, you’d attract. Yep, I’ve been doing this and wondering why I’ve been physically sick and accidents were happening, etc. but the stress has been too much. So slow down, recoup, meditate and practice gratitude.

6. Allow yourself to grieve - face it!!! If you don’t feel sad at all then there’s something wrong with you. My biggest mistake is that I made myself busy and very occupied so I will forget the pain but then when I’m alone that’s when I’m having an emotional breakdown. FACE IT right away - write in your journal.

7. See a psychotherapist - yes, your family and friends are there to listen to you and they will most probably tell you things that you only want to hear. Seeing a shrink doesn’t mean you’re crazy or have a personality disorder, thank God I’ve seen one (and a psychiatrist) to confirm that I don’t have a “problem” but to finally have a professional help you to get through this most challenging life event that could happen in your life (aside from the death of a loved one and other things.)

8. For practicality and for the future - Sign a pre-nuptial agreement when you get married - even though you don’t have that much money (yet!) but have big dreams.

9. You’ll only know more about the person when they don’t get what they want… don’t be surprised when your ex turned out to be a different person after the separation. Mine filed so many civil cases against me, glad the court and Universe are on my side. The truth will always prevail.

10. Focus on your HEALTH. After my gallbladder surgery, the stress made me start drinking and not eating… I had more health complications that’s when I realized that I should really focus on being healthy so I’ve slept more hours, laugh more often and that I can still have fun and go to parties without drinking alcohol.

In a few years’ time, I will re-marry and have kids of my own, I know that as I’ve always dreamt of having my own family.

It’s not like I’m getting divorced and now hated marriage.. but for now, time to focus on my personal goals, my mission, my spiritual journey and will enjoy this new freedom of being single again.

More soon when I get back to writing… for now, this is based on my personal breakthroughs, the books that I’ve been reading, the divorcees that I’ve been meeting, and my shrink. ❤️

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